


Moving On

by allouette



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-06
Updated: 2012-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-30 17:30:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/334301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allouette/pseuds/allouette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Hotch/Reid prompt meme: <i>When Hotch starts dating again, Reid knows he needs to get over it. Up to the author whether or not he succeeds.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Moving On

When Hotch introduces the team to Beth over drinks one night, Reid’s world suddenly comes to a screeching halt before it starts spinning in the opposite direction. Of course he forces his best smile and gives a small wave, always polite. They've only been there a few minutes, everyone is still working on their first round, but he's already planning his escape, wonders how soon he can slip out without raising suspicion. He shouldn't be around alcohol right now because he wants to swallow down every glass within his reach to numb the ache in his chest, wants to escape to the sanctuary that is his apartment where he can lick his wounds. He doesn't want to be here anymore, remembering what it's like to be the one pressed against Hotch's side in one of these corner booths, Hotch's arm stretched out behind his shoulders, warm and relaxed and happy. 

Reid focuses on his glass sitting on the table in front of him - reciting lists in his head, statistics, mathematical equations, anything he can think of - instead of the conversation going on around him because he doesn't care, doesn't want to hear anything about her, anything she has to say. But the laughter that suddenly erupts breaks through his little bubble and he picks up his glass, quickly downing the rest of his drink in a few big gulps. It burns on the way down because he's never been good at chugging alcohol and his eyes water, but fuck it. He hears Morgan say his name as he slides out of his seat, but he doesn't respond, making his way up to the bar.

"Reid! What's going on with you?" Morgan asks, his hand on Reid's elbow to get his attention.

"Oh, hey. Nothing, I'm just paying for my drink. I'm tired, going home," Reid replies and slides a few bills to the bartender to cover his tab plus tip. "See you tomorrow, Morgan," he says and heads through the crowd without looking back, without saying goodbye to anyone else.

Morgan watches him leave before he rejoins the group. "What was that all about?" Emily asks when he sits back down next to her, and all Morgan can do is shrug because he has absolutely no idea. 

***

The next day, Reid buries himself under a mound of paperwork, case files stacked high on his desk to keep himself as busy as possible until they get called on their next case. He doesn't even notice Rossi until a cup of coffee appears in front of his face, and when Reid looks up, Rossi is standing next to his desk. It's definitely strange because Reid doesn't think Rossi has ever brought anyone coffee before, ever. Except for maybe Hotch.

"How's it going?"

"Uh, fine?" Reid says, glancing from the cup, then back up to Rossi.

Rossi rolls his eyes. "Walk with me," he says and moves away from Reid's desk, not even bothering to wait to see if Reid follows. He does, automatically, cup of coffee in hand, and Rossi shoots a, "you're welcome, by the way," over his shoulder as they head up to his office. Once inside, the door closed, Rossi sits at his desk and watches as Reid stands awkwardly by the door. "Oh for… Sit down, Reid."

Reid does as he's told and god, it's uncomfortable when all Rossi does is sit there and _look_ at him. Reid takes a sip of his coffee and is pleasantly surprised to discover that it's sweet, not bitter, and when he catches Rossi's gaze, his eyes widen slightly. "Are you sitting there profiling me?"

"You're making it incredibly easy to do," Rossi says. "Especially after last night."

Reid's heart sinks and his stomach rolls, but he refuses give Rossi the benefit of him looking away. "I don't know what you mean."

"Look, I didn't bring you in here to ridicule you or humiliate you or anything else you have swirling around in that big ol' brain of yours. I brought you in here to let you know that I understand, Reid. And I just wanted to see if you're okay."

Reid swallows hard and finally looks away, shifting his gaze to the window, then down to the floor. "How did you know?"

"You don't spend as much time together as we do and not pick up on a few things," Rossi says and leans back in his seat. "I've had my suspicions for a long time now, but you just confirmed it."

Reid isn't sure if he wants to laugh or cry at that, so instead he just nods. "But you won't say anything?"

"No, I won't."

Reid nods again and stands up, heading to the door. His voice is soft when he speaks again. "Thanks, Rossi."

"Anytime. But Reid?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not going to say anything, but if you think he doesn't already know, you're wrong."

***

"I'm thirty years old now," Reid says, riding shotgun with Rossi on their way to a consult for a possible case. "It's time for me to grow up and get the hell over it, right? But the thing is," he pauses for a moment and lets out a small laugh, the sound sad and bitter. "The thing is, I have no idea how to do that. Some genius I am."

***

Reid lays in bed and stares at the ceiling, his heart pounding hard in his chest, sweat cold on his skin. If he thought nightmares were bad, he has no idea what to categorize these dreams as. There are no words for how much he hates this, for how lost he feels. Everything was fine, before. Before Hotch decided to move on with his life and start dating again. Before Beth. Reid could deal with his feelings before, could live in denial because while he's alone and Hotch is alone, there's always a possibility. The chance is always there, regardless of how small. But that was _before_. Now everything is different and fucked up and Reid knows he needs to move on, knows Hotch isn't and will never be a possibility for him, knows he was so stupid to believe he ever could have been. 

Dragging a hand over his face, Reid scrubs at his eyes and blinks against the sting. He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs the medallion sitting there, brings it close enough to his face for him to see it. He traces the surface with his fingertips before he closes his eyes again, clutching the coin in his fist. Reid isn’t really the praying kind, but that night he prays for strength.

***

Three weeks later, the team finds themselves straddling the border between Utah and Colorado chasing a serial killer with a taste for high risk teenagers. The hotel they get set up in is small but busy, and it's just luck that they only have a few rooms available. Instead of leaving to find another place to stay, Hotch makes the executive decision to take the rooms that are left, they've shared before and survived, they'll be fine. Reid panics because as everyone starts to break off and head to their rooms, he sees that they're taking their usual partners, which means he'll be left with Hotch. All he can do is curse silently to himself, clench his jaw, and follow Hotch to their room, hoping beyond hope that this case is over as soon as possible.

Inside the room, Reid can't sit still. He's miserable, completely fucking miserable, and once Hotch starts dressing down for the night, Reid can't stand it anymore. He grabs his messenger bag and his room key, mumbling something about going for a walk as he heads to the door.

"Reid, wait."

"What?"

"Is everything alright?" Hotch asks, and Reid can tell he's genuinely concerned. Of course he is, he's Hotch for Christ's sake.

"Everything's fine. I'm just not tired."

Hotch gives him one of those _looks_ , and Reid knows he doesn't exactly believe him. "You've been acting strange lately. You're pulling away from everyone. You're irritable. And while your work hasn't suffered so far--"

"Hotch, I appreciate your concern, but I swear to god, if you ask me if I'm using again--"

"I wasn't going to. I was going to suggest that you talk to someone if there's something bothering you. Everyone here cares about you, Reid. I care about you. You don't always have to hold everything inside. You know what happens when you do that."

Reid laughs softly, can't help it, and shakes his head, not even bothering to look at where Hotch is standing, closer than he was before. "I'm fine. I'm going for a walk."

"Reid--" It happens so fast, neither one of them really blink. Reid doesn't think twice about it when he feels Hotch's hand on his arm, just turns around and _shoves_ because he can't stand the thought of Hotch touching him right now, at all, ever again. Hotch's eyes are wide, and they stare at each other for a few moments before Reid flees, the door slamming closed behind him.

It's after three a.m. when Reid returns to the room. Hotch is asleep, thank god, and Reid's as quiet as possible as he toes out of his shoes and curls up on the bed. He's exhausted, but when he closes his eyes, he has no idea if sleep will actually come or if he'll be too distracted by the fact that he can hear Hotch breathing a few feet away from him.

***

"So, Hotch says I need to talk to someone. That everyone cares about me and I can't hold everything inside. But I'm talking to you, so technically I am talking to someone," Reid says over glasses of wine and plates of homemade lasagna at Rossi's dining room table. "He said he cares about me, and all I wanted to do was punch him for saying it.”

"What, you don't believe him?"

"I know he cares. I just… I don't know. Maybe it would be a hell of a lot easier if he didn't."

"Well, that's not going to happen, so you need to find a new coping mechanism."

"I shoved him, Rossi. He touched me and I saw red, and I just couldn't stand it. I've never done anything like that before, I mean we've exchanged words, but I've never gotten physical with anyone before. Never thought it would be him."

Rossi sighs and takes a sip of wine. "Have you considered actually talking to him about it? Telling him the truth?"

"What? Are you crazy?"

"I'm just saying. Maybe you should consider it an option."

"Actually, I'm considering leaving the BAU."

"Well, that's a little dramatic, don't you think?"

"Not really. I’ve already been questioning my place there for a while, if maybe I should be doing something more with my life. I can't keep working with him. This isn't getting any easier for me. The happier he gets, the more miserable I get, and I can't do it. I can't move on, and be around him all day, every day. I'm not that strong."

"I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You wouldn't be sitting in front of me right now if you were close to being a weak person, and you certainly couldn't do the job we do at the caliber you manage do it. And Aaron's life isn't all sunshine and roses right now because of a woman. You're a little delusional if you believe that's the case. There are many factors that contribute to happiness, to finding yourself suddenly content with life. It's not necessarily because of a relationship, or just one relationship in general."

Reid stares at his wine glass, swirling the red liquid around before the takes a drink. "I don't know what to do, Rossi."

"I can't tell you what to do, kid. But I do think you should talk to him before you make any drastic decisions. Just think about it."

***

It's late on a Friday when Reid signs his letter, folds it and puts it in an official envelope. Just in case, he tells himself, hoping he won't need it but ready to accept whatever happens. He watches his colleagues slowly leave the office one by one and makes plans to see a movie with Emily over the weekend if they're not called out on a case. Rossi gives him a nod as he walks through the bullpen on his way out. Morgan is the last to leave and he stops at Reid's desk before he heads out.

"You need a ride?"

"No, thanks. I want to finish up a few more of these reports before I leave. Less to do on Monday morning and all that."

"Alright, man. Don't pull a Hotch and stay here all night. Have a good weekend, Reid."

"You too, Morgan," Reid replies and looks up from the open file to watch him leave. 

Reid stands up and slides the envelope into his back pocket once Morgan is gone, then gathers the files he finished to carry up to Hotch's office. His stomach is in knots and his heart hurts, but he knows he has to do this. He takes a deep breath before knocking on Hotch's slightly open door, pushing it open the rest of the way.

"I didn't realize you were still here," Hotch says when Reid steps inside.

"I wanted to finish up some of these before I left," Reid answers and hands over the stack of files he was carrying. "And also, uh. Do you have a few minutes? To talk?"

"Of course. Have a seat."

Reid sits down in one of the chairs in front of Hotch's desk and crosses his legs, idly fidgeting with one of his shoe strings for a minute as he tries to collect his thoughts, to find a place to begin. "I guess I should apologize for what happened last week. My behavior was out of line, and I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted. I could tell you were just as surprised as I was, which is why I didn't press the issue. Do you know why it happened?"

"Sort of. When I've had issues with people in the past, it has only ever been verbal. Never physical. I never thought I'd ever get into a physical altercation with anyone, least of all you. But when you touched me, I just couldn't… And do not apologize because I know you're about to. It's not your fault, Hotch. You're not a touchy feely person, I know that, neither am I. But you've always… I noticed very early on that you would always touch me. Why?"

Hotch has to think about that for a moment, and he leans forward in his seat, lacing his fingers together on the desk. "I honestly can't say I ever thought about it that much. I always just sort of gravitated toward you. And I guess because you let me. Why do you let me?"

"Because I liked it when you touched me. I felt special because I was the only one. It made me feel good. And not, not like _that_. I mean, it gave me strength and confidence and security, just from having your hand on my shoulder."

"But you're speaking in past tense."

Reid swallows hard, licking his lips. "Yes. Now it just. Hurts."

Hotch sighs softly, his hands uncurling, a pang in his chest. "Reid--"

Reid shakes his head, pushing himself up to stand. "Do not say you're sorry, please. I can't handle that. Really, all I came here to do was apologize and I've done that, so now I just have to give you this," he says and pulls the envelope out of his back pocket.

Hotch takes the envelope, his gaze flickering between it and Reid a few times. "What is this?"

"My resignation letter."

It's then that Hotch stands up. "What?"

"I'm resigning from the Bureau effective, well, as soon as possible. I can't do it anymore, Hotch," Reid says, and he doesn't care that his voice wavers because he doesn't regret it, can't stomach being in the same room with Hotch for one more minute. He feels sick, so close to throwing up right now he can practically taste it in the back of his throat.

Hotch moves around to the front of the desk, letter still in hand, shaking his head. "Well, I'm sorry, but I don't accept."

"You have to."

"I don't if I think you're making a big mistake."

"Then I'll take it to Strauss Monday morning. You know under normal circumstances I would never go over your head for anything, ever, but I will for this. Goodnight, Hotch," Reid says, and turns to the door. He doesn't expect to feel Hotch's hand on his shoulder, doesn't expect his grip to be tight, to be pulling him back.

"Reid, stop."

Reid turns around but doesn't look up, refuses to let Hotch see him cry. "Give me one good reason."

"The team needs you, Reid," Hotch says and Reid snorts softly because he knew that's the answer he was going to get before it came out of Hotch's mouth, but then Hotch keeps speaking. "I need you here. Stay for me."

"You're the reason I have to go."

Hotch hooks a finger under Reid's chin, tilts his head up until Reid has no choice but to look back at him. The tears in Reid's eyes break his heart, and he brushes them away as they fall with his thumb. "Make me the reason you stay."


End file.
